Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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