i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
