I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Randomize
