I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
pop tarts are not kleenex
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Randomize
