I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
