they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So apparently I’m into choking now
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