I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
