I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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