and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Bring me that man meat
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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