What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
