No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
