Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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