Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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