hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I smell like Dick and happiness
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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