my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
