drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize