Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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