I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
