problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
