im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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