I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
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