I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
