He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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