This dress was meant to end up on your floor
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
