So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
