1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
