you guys were way drunker than both of me
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
