I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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