i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i love accidental penises.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
where are my eyebrows?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
