She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
