She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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