: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
