Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
