Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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