The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
