i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize