I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
