then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
