I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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