he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
