he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
