so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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