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Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
