I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
birth control should be required to get into college
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
