when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
