She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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