I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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