so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
