I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
3 2 1 whiskey
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
