A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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