I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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