Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
