I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
