I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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