The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize