I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
