Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
