Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
