No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
