You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My bed smells like the plague
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
