What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like a drive thru vagina
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize