If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
