he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
