I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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