i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
