She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
