I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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