Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
you never un-have a 4some
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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